02. The yearn for connection

Ever since I was a kid, I had a fear of loneliness. I am afraid to be alone when I am a working adult, going to work and coming home to an empty house. The solitude of a single man with superficial friends is depressive.

To be honest, I do have a hard time connecting with people. When I am with just one other person, my mind goes on a spiral about what should I even talk about. Awkwardness fills the air as I come out with topics to talk about in my head. It is not as though I do not have thoughts, but these topics I have in mind are not meant for conversations on a mundane trip home. I can't seem to have topics that the other person may have interests in.

Usually, it goes in one of three ways.

When the other person is extroverted, I can continue with the conversation as they will come up with topics naturally and I can follow their lead.

Sometimes I want to get to know the person, so I will come up with some topics. But these topics are often related to school or work. Although it may seem fine, I feel that these topics are superficial, I don't really get to know a person based on how they're handling classes.

Other times, we just stand next to each other, using our phones and saying bye when we reach our stops.

I envy people who can just talk to anyone without thinking about it too much.

With the fear of loneliness, comes the yearning for deep connections. Throughout my teenage years, I tried to find people that I could vibe with. I did thankfully find close friends in my diploma studies but the idea of losing them as time passes is a recurring thought that haunts me. I know the saying 'people come and go', but what if they do not come? What if I slowly lose the close friends I have due to different goals in life?

I often think about the phrase 'friends of circumstances'. I feel that sometimes people are friends because they are put into the same scenario, like the same class or the same projects. But are they really friends when they only talk about school or work?

Of course, I also think about romantic relationships a lot. Throughout my life, I have always had infatuations occasionally. The deeply rooted fear of loneliness makes me believe that I really need a romantic relationship with someone. Happy is a man who comes home to his wife, as I was always reminded by social media and ingrained societal expectations. Often, I find myself liking an extroverted girl who can express their thoughts freely. That makes me think: do I like her or do I want to be like her?

But not all is lost, I still have a lot to learn and a lot of people to meet. Who knows, maybe in university, I can find someone who I can deeply connect with.